It's strange how a cycling result, a race, bad luck or just a bad feeling on the bike can have such a huge impact on me and how I feel... It's just affects me so much, it's hits me directly in my face like lightning, and there is nothing I can do about it or try to avoid it.
Everything I do, everything I experience on my bike or with my beloved cycling hits me in the head and causes my mind to wander. Like I said I can't help it, it's has always been like that! That just the way I am, the way I react. It's silly but true. I am the proudly owner (most of the times) of a crazy ongoing thinking mind. It's never boring I can promise you that! I never know what's gonna pop up next!
I know that the bad luck at the WC i Lievin where I crashed out in the 3rd. turn, and my bike broke down, which basically meant that the WC ended, before it really began. I know that all these feeling from that day, has caused this. I will be honest with you guys, in my mind I wanted to quite, and I stood in the pit ready to pull out, and have my first DNF, but I didn't...! I kept on going even though I knew that I in a couple of laps, I would get pulled, and I hated the feeling of riding around the course, complete lost in the back of the peloton... I felt like crap, and therefore I kept my head down, just wanted it to be over! That day I felt like a very bad cyclo cross rider!
As a person I can be a bite self-destructive in a way that I'm my worst critics. I don't want to talk to anybody when I'm not satisfied with a race, it's a completely different story the other way around. But I don't want to talk or share my feelings about what I think/consider as being a bad race or a bad result. It's not my thing to do so, because it just has a too strong impact on me!
I know it's stupid, seriously I do know that... I know it's not correct to do so, and there has properly been written tons of books on what to do, and how to react etc., and I know that all these mixed and trapped feelings from the WC is what causes my mind to wander and why I'm writing on a blog-post at midnight, where I should be sleeping. I know all this but I can't change it, (or maybe I don't want to...) in stead I have my little wandermind/crazy thoughts notebook, where I write all my thoughts which needs to get out down on paper, and then I share them on the blog.
I don't know why, but in a weird way it helps me to think more clear, when I'm writing down my thoughts...
