Colors of the wind...! and NO it's not Pocahontas.

After some bumpy days, I'm back to me again. It's nice! My little black notebook has been my faithful companion, when I needed to give my self space. At times I feel very rootless, and as I has mentioned before I'm having difficulties finding home - a place to belong. I like my apartment, and it feels more like home than what I shared with my x, but I don't feel settled or resident. 

I still have so many dreams and desires I would like to do before I settle down, it's like I'm awake for the first time in years discovering what I use to dream about, what my hopes for my future were. Now I just got to figure out a way to put them into practise. 

I went out with my camera here the other day, which always makes me happy. Here's the outcome: I still got a lot to learn do before it feels super good, but here's the outcome. 

The sunset weren't what we had hopped. Did hope for more colours, I'll probably get a chance to catch one. 

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Status: Out is always better than home

So here a bit more than 24 hours after the Danish Championship in RR, am I stuck with a annoying feeling off something is not right… I know that the legendary Pøt Mølle and I don’t get along, but I had hoped for more, and Saturday evening I could stop thinking on what went wrong! Or if something did went wrong…! The truth is I didn’t have any expectations, no hope just fears…. Even though it irritates me so much when I’m not cable of performing the way I would like to, and even though the little voice in my head, tries to explain to me why things at the moment on the bike are going like Sh.. Mentally I can cope with many things, but it hits with 110% when riding doesn’t go well.

At the moment I find it hard to get motivated for racing, and I miss having that extra push/tickling when you are racing at your fullest, but most off all I miss the feeling of being strong on the bike! I miss the feeling of racing at your max. I miss my confidence on my road bike. I just miss the days when I felt good.

I always feel a bite lost and discouraged , when I’m returning home after a weekend packed with input.  I think I’m a “addicted” to social life and not just being me all the time. I hate coming home although home now feels more like a home.

I’m no “out at home is best”, out is always better then returning home… ALWAYS!

Because off the few laps I managed to do at the DM course saturday, before I gave up (I know stupid, but sometimes you do stupid things.) Trust me I have been beating my self many times since...! 

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Clocking in... a new chapter!

So just because the blog has been then just silent, it dosen’t mean that nothing have happen in my life, on the other hand, there has been almost too much.

But all these changes and no time for reflection and writing has been good. To cut to the bone, after ca. 4 years of relationship Jacob and I split. No matter what it’s never easy breaking up with some one, and it takes so much time and energy, even though I was relatively settled with the matter.

Something happen with me in Belgium, I don’t know what… I can’t put a finger on it, but when I returned to my “home” in Denmark, something was changed, and I couldn’t feel at home in what use to be my home. It was very frustrating and I spent a lot of time crying and trying to figure out what had happen.

I think I changed – mentally I grew, got older, more mature but most off all more independent, and I properly need it... There’s nothing like 6 months abroad, which helps you think, which pushes you to get perspective on your life, your dreams and your desires.

These 6 months of “separation” and me really not wanted to go back, was just too much for what we could handled as a couple. There are always two side of a story, and this is my version, and it may not be the entire truth or the correct version, but this is my point of view… There is no-one to blame, but life goes on, and I’m convinced that I took the right decision, the last time I can remember I have been this happy, most have been my time in Belgium. No stress, no stomach pain, no burden on my shoulders, just happiness.  I might have lost a friend or two on facebook, but I’ll manage J

I got my own apartment the 1. of June, and after some trips to IKEA (you gotta start somewhere, I only had one day to pack all my belongings) my apartment now feels like HOME, which is a place I would like to be, and where I feel at home.

The future looks good, at the person, which for a few months ago, never wanted to go back to university is considering her options regarding which one to apply for. Should I stay in Odense, or move to another city… Who knows J but for now I’m training for yet another cyclo cross season, and working full time. I still don’t know how many races and which one I will be able to do this year, but I’ll do my best to get down to Belgium (my second home) and race as many as I can.

All the best

Nikoline

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