Midnight thoughts

In order for me to write on my blog I have to been in a certain state of mind or have a specific feeling. I have thought about “updating” you guys on what has been happening, but haven’t really been in the mood for writing. I have had so much going on in my life, which I needed to sort out first. You know basically figure out, what to do with my life.

A lot of things have changed and I have done a lot of thinking on what it is I want. I have had these thoughts before but for the first time in my life I face the reality off that I can’t keep riding my bike forever! I don’t know what I image as a kid, but all I ever wanted was to be a professional bike rider. I accomplished my child hood goal and I have been racing as a prof. for more or less 4 years, with last year topping it all.

I found myself in Belgium, I lived out my dreams in Belgium, but most important is, that I made it, I did it. I lived and raced for many years at the top level. This is not a “goodbye” to the sport I love, but when it all comes down, I can’t afford racing anymore. I’m already working full time just in order to be able to pay my bills. Racing cross and being a girl doesn’t really go hand in hand. So no matter how much I like riding and racing I can’t do it in the same scale as I used to, which sucks BIG TIME.

It has costs a lot of tears to realize this, and I still find myself crying or simply just waking up in the morning sad, just by the thought of it. Not being able to race the way I want - race the way I know I can do.

So now what? Well that question I have asked myself many times. It not like I haven’t done any  training, but I don’t know where my form is, if is good enough for racing, but I’m going to do the races I can afford and I will try to do the races where I love racing. I want to do some races in Belgium; I want to be a part of the big cross circuit one more last time. I want to feel the rush, the love for cross, the excitement from the crowd, and I want to meet and see all the friends I have got during my years in the cross circus.

So in Tabor (I hope I will be there) I will stand at the start line and enjoy every bite off the races, because I don’t know if it could be my last. Focus now is on enjoying and not being sad. You know changes happens for a reason, and even if it now hurts that cross might be over (because off a money issue), then I know something ells will show.

I found out already last year that I didn’t want to race my bike forever; I wanted "more" out of my life. I want to share my life with the man I love, I want an education and a job, which gives me the same passion/love as riding my bike, has given me. The man have I already found, you know they say, that when you are not looking for that special one, you will find him. I’m in love and give me strength to figure out what to do next. As always it’s the whole education/job situation which gives me gray hair.

I'm okay, actually when I think about it, I'm excited all lot of things might gonna change. So hit me, I am ready. 

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Colors of the wind...! and NO it's not Pocahontas.

After some bumpy days, I'm back to me again. It's nice! My little black notebook has been my faithful companion, when I needed to give my self space. At times I feel very rootless, and as I has mentioned before I'm having difficulties finding home - a place to belong. I like my apartment, and it feels more like home than what I shared with my x, but I don't feel settled or resident. 

I still have so many dreams and desires I would like to do before I settle down, it's like I'm awake for the first time in years discovering what I use to dream about, what my hopes for my future were. Now I just got to figure out a way to put them into practise. 

I went out with my camera here the other day, which always makes me happy. Here's the outcome: I still got a lot to learn do before it feels super good, but here's the outcome. 

The sunset weren't what we had hopped. Did hope for more colours, I'll probably get a chance to catch one. 

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Status: Out is always better than home

So here a bit more than 24 hours after the Danish Championship in RR, am I stuck with a annoying feeling off something is not right… I know that the legendary Pøt Mølle and I don’t get along, but I had hoped for more, and Saturday evening I could stop thinking on what went wrong! Or if something did went wrong…! The truth is I didn’t have any expectations, no hope just fears…. Even though it irritates me so much when I’m not cable of performing the way I would like to, and even though the little voice in my head, tries to explain to me why things at the moment on the bike are going like Sh.. Mentally I can cope with many things, but it hits with 110% when riding doesn’t go well.

At the moment I find it hard to get motivated for racing, and I miss having that extra push/tickling when you are racing at your fullest, but most off all I miss the feeling of being strong on the bike! I miss the feeling of racing at your max. I miss my confidence on my road bike. I just miss the days when I felt good.

I always feel a bite lost and discouraged , when I’m returning home after a weekend packed with input.  I think I’m a “addicted” to social life and not just being me all the time. I hate coming home although home now feels more like a home.

I’m no “out at home is best”, out is always better then returning home… ALWAYS!

Because off the few laps I managed to do at the DM course saturday, before I gave up (I know stupid, but sometimes you do stupid things.) Trust me I have been beating my self many times since...! 

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Clocking in... a new chapter!

So just because the blog has been then just silent, it dosen’t mean that nothing have happen in my life, on the other hand, there has been almost too much.

But all these changes and no time for reflection and writing has been good. To cut to the bone, after ca. 4 years of relationship Jacob and I split. No matter what it’s never easy breaking up with some one, and it takes so much time and energy, even though I was relatively settled with the matter.

Something happen with me in Belgium, I don’t know what… I can’t put a finger on it, but when I returned to my “home” in Denmark, something was changed, and I couldn’t feel at home in what use to be my home. It was very frustrating and I spent a lot of time crying and trying to figure out what had happen.

I think I changed – mentally I grew, got older, more mature but most off all more independent, and I properly need it... There’s nothing like 6 months abroad, which helps you think, which pushes you to get perspective on your life, your dreams and your desires.

These 6 months of “separation” and me really not wanted to go back, was just too much for what we could handled as a couple. There are always two side of a story, and this is my version, and it may not be the entire truth or the correct version, but this is my point of view… There is no-one to blame, but life goes on, and I’m convinced that I took the right decision, the last time I can remember I have been this happy, most have been my time in Belgium. No stress, no stomach pain, no burden on my shoulders, just happiness.  I might have lost a friend or two on facebook, but I’ll manage J

I got my own apartment the 1. of June, and after some trips to IKEA (you gotta start somewhere, I only had one day to pack all my belongings) my apartment now feels like HOME, which is a place I would like to be, and where I feel at home.

The future looks good, at the person, which for a few months ago, never wanted to go back to university is considering her options regarding which one to apply for. Should I stay in Odense, or move to another city… Who knows J but for now I’m training for yet another cyclo cross season, and working full time. I still don’t know how many races and which one I will be able to do this year, but I’ll do my best to get down to Belgium (my second home) and race as many as I can.

All the best

Nikoline

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I got a plan... at least for now...

I have been wanting to write a something, and I have several times started on a new post, but in some ways I never seemed to be able to set down and get it down on paper. Why I don't know, time has just been flying the last few weeks, which has been so nice. > busy is good.

Life has starting to normalize which I still don't know how to relate to it. A lot of things has changed during the last months and weeks, and I'm still working on getting the whole puzzle into one piece, but I'm getting there. It has taking it's thorn, but I'm slowly starting to figure it out. 

I have had some big dilemmas trying to figure out want to do - how do I want to live my life - want kind of job/education/"career" do I want to pursue. I have always been Nikoline - the bike rider. Ever since I can remember I have been socialised with cycling, and it's okay, but I'm starting to get there, where I kind off just want to be ME!

When I look back I have done some pretty funny stuff, if you can put it that way. I have always done want I desire the most, and I have always had fun doing it. My life so far has been a big mix of training, working (otherwise no money to race for), travelling/exploring new countries and meeting people from all over the world - all this related to my cycling activities. I have been so privileged, and I don't feel that I have missed out on anything, on the other hand I have gained so much in stead. I'm still not ready to leave it all behind, and properly never will be. I simply love riding my bike to much. So far I have had 16 years of racing together with my bike.... 

But I have realized that I in the future want to do something more, I want to be more than I rider. I need to have more or different aspects and contents in my life. After a lot of THINKING during my stay in Belgium and returning to DK my future questions now has answers. For the first time in many years I sent out my first application for a new study out, I didn't get in, but I'll try again next year. I was quite sad when I got the message, because I felt ready for a new chapter in my life... don't know if I make any sense, but it has been hard to find, that one thing I want to do for the rest of the life, (beside riding my bike) I can't afford riding my bike forever... I have been pleased with doing what I really love for many years, and finding a "replacement" for that has been hard, and cost many emotions and tears, but I'm slowly accepting the fact, that I can have just the same amount of fun,enjoyment and achievements elsewhere... and maybe even more...! who knows? I have accepted that my life is running on narrow and winding roads, and no brad highways. I will work hard to improve my skills and then apply again next year, and after some more thinking I will apply one more place as well ;-) 

So now I got a plan, and I'll try to stick to it, but as the impulsive and easy going person I am, I wonder how long it will last... One/A plan or idea is better than nothing. 

A lesson cycling has taught me during the last many years, is the importance off doing something you really love and desires. 

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More important things

When reality strikes back, it can hurt! Yesterday I had a aftershock, and once again I found myself wondering/fearing about the future, and what it will bring/contain, and how I should relate or react to it. It's funny because I wasn't feeling sad, and I had spend some great days together with my family and friends, but that was at least what I thought, but sometimes body and mind operates in two completely different ways. 

That combined with 2 good night out, and a tired mind and body, my shield fell down, and I let a good friend in. Not once during the last few days had I thought about it, but apparently unconsciously I had, and my because my mind too busy during something ells my body took it up, and I got tired of saying everything was all right.

But future is future, and now it's written down, I have related it to me, and now it's out of the system. This morning I woke up with a good feeling! I will stick to dreaming about what the future holds, and not worrying so much about it. So now I'm back on positive thinking and back on track with my study test. 

There are more important things in life, than worrying. 

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Ready Steady Action GO

Sometimes, or in my case often, there isn't a long complicated path between taking a decision and then bringing it into practise. Therefore Saturday I was at the start line at the "local" mountainbike race in Silkeborg. Don't know if you can call it local with 1200 participates, but fun indeed it was. It was my first "meeting" with my MTB and I finished working on it around 10pm. 

The weather was a bad - really bad, with heavy and on going showers through out the race. It was my first ever marathon race and first ever tour in the MTB, so I didn't know what to expect and have to behave. 

I'm definitely not a long-distance mountain bike rider, in fact I think it was the rainy weather who made it so much fun. It reminded me a bit of cross! I really liked the fact that I could just only focusing on keeping the speed and keeping warm. It was properly my first long ride ever on a MTB, don't know what it says about my normal MTB training effort - once a road'er always a road racer - even though I'm planing on this season to change it! Now the season has begun only 1½ month before the scheduled time. 

As they always say; racing is the best training you can ever get! 

For the moment it's quiet here, spring may finally have arrived - enjoy!

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On track

I'm back or at least it feels like that.., but I don't know if I really have been gone.. Confused! So am I! The last few weeks, ever since I came back from Belgium, have been a roller coaster ride involving applying for social assistance, seeking jobs, finally figuring out what I want to do, what I want to study when cycling doesn't take up all my time and energy. I have realized this season that no matter how passionate I am about my cycling, I simply can't make it a living. Now I am back on the "right" side of the system - the side of the pay checks, and it feels God damn good. 

It's strange how many things for the moment just snaps into place. I still miss a lot of pieces for my "never-ending" puzzle, but at least now I can sense the how it could end up looking like! I have caught myself daydreaming about what my future may contain! 

First focus is to build a staircase so I can crawl up from the financial hole, which my Belgium 6 month stay has left me in, but the 2 of April I'm back into employment.  

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An educational Friday.

After some quiet days which haven’t really been action packed. Because of my current situation with unemployment have I applied for social benefits? I have started on an approximately 3 weeks "educational program" as a "activation" because I'm under 30 then I have to do this program, which is completely waste of time and resources if you ask me! I can write page after page about this subject. The truth is that the system is set-up on a really non-functional way, and it seems like the no one is getting something out of it!

For me this is a necessary stop because I don’t have a job, but I’m searching and waiting for answers from the ones I already have talked with. For me this is a necessary evil as for many others in my “group”. Most of us have an idea on what they want to do, and we are just waiting for an answer from the university or military. It’s very frustrating and hate been treated like a child and being talked down to, as I don’t understand anything.

As I mentioned in my last post I’m starting but slowly to figure out what I want with my life, and this has involved a new application for a new study. Yep I’m planning and hoping for 4 more years on school benches, unbelievable but true. But before the dream can come true I’ll have to pass two tests, the first one starting in just a few weeks, and then I hopefully can start on the study photojournalism in Århus to either September or February. If not then I’m going to keep pursuing it until I get in.

Today I spent a lot of hours working on taking portrait which is something I have never done before! I had a very educational and fun Friday with my good friend, where I learnt quite a lot, my head is full of impressions and my new passion just reached new heights. Here are some of the highlights from the day. I still got a lot to learn and I have only just begun to photograph.

I want to say thank you to Tony for being so patient to day. All the pictures used in this post are from my educational Friday!  

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Yesterday

The Belgium cross bubble has burst! After returning back to DK, my days has been really quite, and honestly I haven’t done that much. Ever since my concert in CPH and a weekend trip to Malmö my head has been so quite, which for a time has been very much appreciated.

I’m slowly starting to adapt to my life in Denmark. These couple of days I have been dealing with all the paperwork which comes when you are unemployed, and still need something to live for. This has been very frustrating, and I have only dealt with it, less than I week, and it already starting to get to me. It’s not the fact that I don’t have job, it the hole thought about that my cross dream about returning to Belgium for one more season, might going to end before it started! But it’s going to work out, just feeling a bit burn out for the moment, think it has to do with that I for the first time in my life had to apply for “social assistance”. No matter what, I really didn’t like it, and it made me feel unimportant and uncomfortable.  

I’m starting but slowly to figure out what I want with my life, don’t have a master plan, but the basic lines are starting to pop up in my head, and giving me kind of a direction off where I want to go, and what I need to do in order to get there. Which is nice, it gives me a certain piece in mind, now that everything ells around me more or less is floating.

In order to keep focus I’m working on my Bucket List – you know just to keep me focused so that I’m not falling back into old habits and pattern.

As a complete contrast to my day yesterday, I witnessed one of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen – I felt like sharing it with you guys. 

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Not just a place to stay

On my last weekend down here, a good friend of mine gave me a "photo-assignment". The task was to capture/describe my home in Belgium through the camera lens. So I did, and it was quite harder then I thought. 

I have in the past touched the subject home, and what it is that makes a home a home, and once again I was forced to think about what is the ingredients for a home. What is it that I for a long time has considered my home to be a rented room in a house in Blauberg, in the middle of Flandern for home. A house with absolutely none of my personal items except for my beloved Pink Panther (teddy ;-) - never to old for that). It's always with me, it's my most precious "object" that I own. Silly I know...! 

How can I describe with pictures my home in Blauberg? How can I feel at home sitting in a sofa in a country where I don't speak the language, where most of all my connections to the surrounding world goes through facebook, twitter or skype. How do I describe all this with pictures in stead of words! Yeah see the challenge of the assignment... It's still an on-going process!

And then it hit me; the final ingredients that made the big change - the crucial point where it felt like home wasn't all the stuff I was surrounded by! It was all the cool, crazy, funny, friendly people which I during my last 5 months has shared this house with. They made it feel like a true home, and not just a place to stay... 

So this is my Belgium home assignment in pictures and a little bit in text. It's still an on-going a task, and I will think about some more and better describing pictures, but for now this is what I got. 

It wasn't the fact that I could mess all that I wanted without being told differently :-)

 

Oh yeah - the favourite spot - before the sofa was angled so that I had a perfect view for the TV 

(no comments please - I know...) 

My precious :-) 

The once who made it feel like home part 1. 

The once who made it feel like home part 2. 

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A day out and home in silence

Once again Monday was the day for exploring what Belgium has to offer, after a bite of start nerves, I pulled my self together, packed a bag for a day out, and hit the road, this time direction south-west, more essentially Ieper and to the local historical "trace" from the first world war. 

I never really know how to describe what I have seen at these war sights. I always ends up searching for the right words to describe it, because the truth is you don't "see" the war monuments, massive cemeteries or museums like you do with other "tourist sights". And on the other hand you don't really experience them either.

In a way you are being a witness to what have happen, and hopefully never going to happen again. I find history quite interesting and important, that's what you get when growing up with a father, who always had to take the more historical way/angle around sights or trips. For instance it took me many years before I drove the direct way to Italy, avoiding all the small roads, avoiding the "cherries road" which more or less follows the  old frontier to East Germany. It took me a while before I realised how much I missed stopping on a mountain top just in order to see an flooded town, where the only things still visible was the church spire. How much I missed taking the different paths, stopping in small village in order to exploring the heart, visiting the the historical heritage. 

My mum and dad taught me, that travelling / exploring is not about getting as fast as possible to your "end destination". The minute you have packed, and stepping out of your front door your journey has begone, and for that I'm eternally thankful. Happiness is not an object you are aiming at, it's the journey it self.

As I have said before, sometimes pictures says more then words, so here is my day out in Ieper. 

I came home in silence, after a thoughtful and reflective and at times frighting / quite day out, in the trails of the first world war.  

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Back to my metropolitan

Well that was it – or almost it. My Belgium adventure is lacking towards the end, whether I like it or not! Soon I’m off to clean/prepare my beautiful bikes, do the last laundry and pack my cycling gear for the last time, and head north again. North – back to Denmark; back to my metropolitan and mother language, back to the friends and beloved ones, which I left behind in September for pursuing my cyclo cross dream. I’m saying goodbye to one home/one life and hello to a different home and life, but it’s all right. I’m ready now. I know in my heart when one adventure ends, a new one will raise and sweep me off my feet.

Where does all this leave me?

I went down here in September to have a blast! To do it the reel and in my head the proper way! Maybe I was crazy, I know. When I unpack the car in September and said goodbye to everybody back home, I hadn’t planned anything, I just did as I always do, followed my heart and gut feeling, and what an adventure it has been. With fear of repeating me, what a life changing experience, this 6months turned out to be, and THANK YOU to all you great people which I have met on my path!

I still have 2 more weeks down here, or more preciously 12 days! 12 days left to make the most of every minute. I have to be honest; training doesn’t really have the same priority any more, I’m walking around trying to capture everything, making one more last visit to the all places, I have begun to love. These last days down here ask kick started my tourist gene.

Last Monday I went to Antwerp, I literally walked around the city for 7 hours, taking over 75 pictures. I was an on-going/never stop/ need to take more pictures mood, and I loved every step on the way. The city was great, but even though it was a bright clear blue sky it was freezing cold, and I had to wear my two best friends in order to stay warm = my Long Johns and wool undershirt.

Will I come back to Belgium?

Hell yeah! I’m not ready to grow up and start facing an adult life, its way too complicated…! The only thing that can keep me away from one more trip to Belgium next winter is my biggest supporter = my bank account or bank lady! I need to find a job when I get back to DK – so I’m searching like everybody ells, I need to start making money, so that I can start saving up money – that’s have simple it is! I know that next year it’s gonna be different, and properly not as overwhelming as the season has been, but I’m ready are you?

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Part time Canadian or...!

Just saw it has been almost 14 days since I lasted posted something on my blog. Is not that I haven’t had anything to do, on the contrary these last few weeks have been real action packed especially since the house has been full with 5 Canadian guys, 2 juniors & 2 U23 which have turned the house completely upside down. I really had a blast with those guys! This cross season I have only shared house/hotels etc. with Canadians so that I sometimes feel like a part-time Canadian ;-). It has been a fun rollercoaster ride which ended this morning when the last one flew home. The house is now SO quiet and completely different from the last 3 weeks. It’s gonna take me awhile to get use to be just me again, at least I now know that I’m pretty good at adapt to new circumstances and changes. Still I would prefer company then being all alone in the house. It is now more fun eating with others, sharing stories the cycling, normal life, or crazy video in YouTube, then doing it all on your own. 

The Worlds was an awesome, crazy, scary and truly amazing experience/race. I’m just a bite annoyed that a stomach flu should get in the way for a good result, I had a good start and was in the top 20, but halfway through the race I completely ran out of power, so ended as nr. 29. Not really satisfied, but everything considered it’s all right. You will have to be at 110% in order to perform well at the course in Koksijde.  The crowd, the atmosphere everything was 10 times bigger, crazier and greater then I could ever imagine. Here two days later I’m still complete out of words for how BIG the worlds in Koksijde were. It’s indescribable standing in 6^th row; trying to get a peek of the elite men meanwhile you are standing on your toes in order to be able to see the big flat screens. The last I have heard is that there were almost 70.000 people spectators! So you do the math! It was bigger than BIG, and I was there!  

Now I have one more month down here. The master plan is to do the following 5-6 races ending with the one in Oostmalle, then the 20^th I’m packing the car (hopefully it will start) during worlds I have 2 car breakdowns, because of a dead battery. So I’m a bite scared of driving in my car down here, I never know if or when the battery is going to die next time! It’s a ticking bomb or just another good adventure and story to tell when I get back home

In some way I don’t want to go back to DK, back to everyday life. I need to find a job -> start making some money again, in order to save up more money for going down here again and again and..! For the moment I don’t know how, or if I can find one, to be honest is very scary and frustrating. My biggest fear is to come back, and then I don’t have anything to do! I’m filled up with sitting in the couch. Now I'm just gonna enjoy the last weeks of racing down here, and then handling everything ells when I get back to DK!

For more pictures from worlds and my Belgium adventure see my Facebook profile! 

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Writing it down!

It's strange how a cycling result, a race, bad luck or just a bad feeling on the bike can have such a huge impact on me and how I feel... It's just affects me so much, it's hits me directly in my face like lightning, and there is nothing I can do about it or try to avoid it. 

Everything I do, everything I experience on my bike or with my beloved cycling hits me in the head and causes my mind to wander. Like I said I can't help it, it's has always been like that! That just the way I am, the way I react. It's silly but true. I am the proudly owner (most of the times) of a crazy ongoing thinking mind. It's never boring I can promise you that! I never know what's gonna pop up next! 

I know that the bad luck at the WC i Lievin where I crashed out in the 3rd. turn, and my bike broke down, which basically meant that the WC ended, before it really began. I know that all these feeling from that day, has caused this. I will be honest with you guys, in my mind I wanted to quite, and I stood in the pit ready to pull out, and have my first DNF, but I didn't...! I kept on going even though I knew that I in a couple of laps, I would get pulled, and I hated the feeling of riding around the course, complete lost in the back of the peloton...  I felt like crap, and therefore I kept my head down, just wanted it to be over! That day I felt like a very bad cyclo cross rider!

As a person I can be a bite self-destructive in a way that I'm my worst critics. I don't want to talk to anybody when I'm not satisfied with a race, it's a completely different story the other way around. But I don't want to talk or share my feelings about what I think/consider as being a bad race or a bad result. It's not my thing to do so, because it just has a too strong impact on me!

I know it's stupid, seriously I do know that... I know it's not correct to do so, and there has properly been written tons of books on what to do, and how to react etc., and I know that all these mixed and trapped feelings from the WC is what causes my mind to wander and why I'm writing on a blog-post at midnight, where I should be sleeping. I know all this but I can't change it, (or maybe I don't want to...) in stead I have my little wandermind/crazy thoughts notebook, where I write all my thoughts which needs to get out down on paper, and then I share them on the blog. 

I don't know why, but in a weird way it helps me to think more clear, when I'm writing down my thoughts... 

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Just a small blog post - WORLDS!

Oh boy oh boy - I got news! Good and for me big news. Today I got the sweetest email, saying that I'm elected for the hold on - the world championships in Koksijde. Yes season goal number 2 and the biggest of them all is achieved!  I'm going, this is gonna be my second world championship participation, and it's properly gonna be even bigger, more crazy and spectacular then my first in Tabor. Looking forward to it, already one big happy smile just by thinking of it. 

A world championship is always a very special race, and especially for us cyclo cross riders. The worlds is our Tour de France, there does not exist any race. This is the race every single cross rider dreams about winning, this is the ONE! The SuperPrestige or the GVA-trofeo are big race series but nothing compares to the feeling, atmosphere and desire by the world championship. Everybody dreams and wants the rainbow colours! So this Friday the 13th. turned out to be a very happy and good day. Still smiling here. 

My goal is to ride a race, where I can look back knowing that I did all I could do. I will be riding with a big smile and my face and enjoying every single aspects of it. It's gonna be a killer race, and I feel ready for it! It's not everyone who gets to ride at a world championships, I made it, but so far I will keep focus on the next two worldcups, the first to come in 2 days. 

Still flying as high as a kite...!! 

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Gotta good feeling... high as kite

Right now I'm packed with performance, experiences and inputs from both the human and sporty aspects from the last couple of days in Denmark, but especially the Danish Championship yesterday (08.01.12) really enriched my day, where I for the 4th. Time now is allowed to wear the most beautiful colors on my skin suit, namely the Dannebrog. 

I got a question from a Journalist which kept on popping up in my head, and I have since then given it some more thoughts. The question was; what are the difference from last year and this year? A very simple question, but with a more complex answer! Of course there is the physical aspects where I this year I'm stronger and with more power in the legs. 

But fundamentally this season I am riding with a completely different confidence and belief in own abilities not just on the bike, but also and more importantly in my everyday life my self confidence and belief has increased and I'm seeing and experience my life with new eyes and a new eagerness.

In some ways I feel different, like a “new” person, if you can put it this way… In many ways my choice about going to Belgium has been the best thing I could do for myself, and for that I’m myself eternally grateful for!  

The last few months with all this time and opportunities to think has been a turning point for me in many ways! In a weird way it feels like a burden has been lifted away from my shoulders, or maybe it me who has become stronger and better able to carry them…!

For the moment;

I am as high as a kite, and I don’t ever want to come back down. It’s an amazing feeling, and I will do everything that is in my power to maintain and preserve this, life is to short otherwise!

Nikoline

Danish Champion Cyclo Cross 2012 – with a good feeling. 

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HOME vs home

I'm back in Denmark, getting ready for National on sunday, before I once again turn the car towards south and Belgium. I arrived last monday at midnight in Odense, which is my home town, on all my documents, but I couldn't help feeling like a stranger, or maybe more like a quest in what used to be our home - my home. I took my self putting my toothbrush back in my toiletry after use in stead of just at it's normal place in the bathroom, but it didn't feel right. 

All this returning back to DK for a short period of time, has really pushed to my concept of what and where home is? For the moment I can't seem to find home.... Is home my place in Odense where I haved lived together with Jacob for the last 4 years or is home the place down south in Fårhus, where I crew up and lived for 18 years, or is it Blauberg (B) where I have stayed since September! What it it, that makes a home home?  Any ideas or suggestion? Almost all that I have beloved is in Belgium, maybe this will chance in February when the real date for returning "home" is? Maybe this ambiguous feelings will start to fade down or get even worse, who knows. 

I have discovered that I say going home to Blauberg and going back to Denmark, so maybe home is Belgium, it's hard to indicate. Who knows, maybe the old phrase, home is where the heart is has a hint of about it. That home is whatever place you belong to.... 

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