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In order for me to write on my blog I have to been
in a certain state of mind or have a specific feeling. I have thought about
“updating” you guys on what has been happening, but haven’t really been in the
mood for writing. I have had so much going on in my life, which I needed to
sort out first. You know basically figure out, what to do with my life.
A lot of things have changed and I have done a
lot of thinking on what it is I want. I have had these thoughts before but for
the first time in my life I face the reality off that I can’t keep riding my
bike forever! I don’t know what I image as a kid, but all I ever wanted was to
be a professional bike rider. I accomplished my child hood goal and I have been
racing as a prof. for more or less 4 years, with last year topping it all.
I found myself in Belgium, I lived out my
dreams in Belgium, but most important is, that I made it, I did it. I lived and
raced for many years at the top level. This is not a “goodbye” to the sport I
love, but when it all comes down, I can’t afford racing anymore. I’m already working
full time just in order to be able to pay my bills. Racing cross and being a
girl doesn’t really go hand in hand. So no matter how much I like riding and
racing I can’t do it in the same scale as I used to, which sucks BIG TIME.
It has costs a lot of tears to realize this, and
I still find myself crying or simply just waking up in the morning sad, just by
the thought of it. Not being able to race the way I want - race the way I know
I can do.
So now what? Well that question I have asked
myself many times. It not like I haven’t done any training, but I don’t know where my form is,
if is good enough for racing, but I’m going to do the races I can afford and I
will try to do the races where I love racing. I want to do some races in Belgium;
I want to be a part of the big cross circuit one more last time. I want to feel
the rush, the love for cross, the excitement from the crowd, and I want to meet
and see all the friends I have got during my years in the cross circus.
So in Tabor (I hope I will be there) I will
stand at the start line and enjoy every bite off the races, because I don’t
know if it could be my last. Focus now is on enjoying and not being sad. You
know changes happens for a reason, and even if it now hurts that cross might be
over (because off a money issue), then I know something ells will show.
I found out already last year that I didn’t
want to race my bike forever; I wanted "more" out of my life. I want to share my
life with the man I love, I want an education and a job, which gives me the
same passion/love as riding my bike, has given me. The man have I already found,
you know they say, that when you are not looking for that special one, you will
find him. I’m in love and give me strength to figure out what to do next. As
always it’s the whole education/job situation which gives me gray hair.
I'm okay, actually when I think about it, I'm excited all lot of things might gonna change. So hit me, I am ready.
