10. september 2012

Midnight thoughts

In order for me to write on my blog I have to been in a certain state of mind or have a specific feeling. I have thought about “updating” you guys on what has been happening, but haven’t really been in the mood for writing. I have had so much going on in my life, which I needed to sort out first. You know basically figure out, what to do with my life.

A lot of things have changed and I have done a lot of thinking on what it is I want. I have had these thoughts before but for the first time in my life I face the reality off that I can’t keep riding my bike forever! I don’t know what I image as a kid, but all I ever wanted was to be a professional bike rider. I accomplished my child hood goal and I have been racing as a prof. for more or less 4 years, with last year topping it all.

I found myself in Belgium, I lived out my dreams in Belgium, but most important is, that I made it, I did it. I lived and raced for many years at the top level. This is not a “goodbye” to the sport I love, but when it all comes down, I can’t afford racing anymore. I’m already working full time just in order to be able to pay my bills. Racing cross and being a girl doesn’t really go hand in hand. So no matter how much I like riding and racing I can’t do it in the same scale as I used to, which sucks BIG TIME.

It has costs a lot of tears to realize this, and I still find myself crying or simply just waking up in the morning sad, just by the thought of it. Not being able to race the way I want - race the way I know I can do.
So now what? Well that question I have asked myself many times. It not like I haven’t done any  training, but I don’t know where my form is, if is good enough for racing, but I’m going to do the races I can afford and I will try to do the races where I love racing. I want to do some races in Belgium; I want to be a part of the big cross circuit one more last time. I want to feel the rush, the love for cross, the excitement from the crowd, and I want to meet and see all the friends I have got during my years in the cross circus.

So in Tabor (I hope I will be there) I will stand at the start line and enjoy every bite off the races, because I don’t know if it could be my last. Focus now is on enjoying and not being sad. You know changes happens for a reason, and even if it now hurts that cross might be over (because off a money issue), then I know something ells will show.

I found out already last year that I didn’t want to race my bike forever; I wanted "more" out of my life. I want to share my life with the man I love, I want an education and a job, which gives me the same passion/love as riding my bike, has given me. The man have I already found, you know they say, that when you are not looking for that special one, you will find him. I’m in love and give me strength to figure out what to do next. As always it’s the whole education/job situation which gives me gray hair.

I'm okay, actually when I think about it, I'm excited all lot of things might gonna change. So hit me, I am ready. 

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29. juni 2012

Colors of the wind...! and NO it's not Pocahontas.

After some bumpy days, I'm back to me again. It's nice! My little black notebook has been my faithful companion, when I needed to give my self space. At times I feel very rootless, and as I has mentioned before I'm having difficulties finding home - a place to belong. I like my apartment, and it feels more like home than what I shared with my x, but I don't feel settled or resident. 

I still have so many dreams and desires I would like to do before I settle down, it's like I'm awake for the first time in years discovering what I use to dream about, what my hopes for my future were. Now I just got to figure out a way to put them into practise. 

I went out with my camera here the other day, which always makes me happy. Here's the outcome: I still got a lot to learn do before it feels super good, but here's the outcome. 

The sunset weren't what we had hopped. Did hope for more colours, I'll probably get a chance to catch one. 

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25. juni 2012

Status: Out is always better than home


So here a bit more than 24 hours after the Danish Championship in RR, am I stuck with a annoying feeling off something is not right… I know that the legendary Pøt Mølle and I don’t get along, but I had hoped for more, and Saturday evening I could stop thinking on what went wrong! Or if something did went wrong…! The truth is I didn’t have any expectations, no hope just fears…. Even though it irritates me so much when I’m not cable of performing the way I would like to, and even though the little voice in my head, tries to explain to me why things at the moment on the bike are going like Sh.. Mentally I can cope with many things, but it hits with 110% when riding doesn’t go well.
At the moment I find it hard to get motivated for racing, and I miss having that extra push/tickling when you are racing at your fullest, but most off all I miss the feeling of being strong on the bike! I miss the feeling of racing at your max. I miss my confidence on my road bike. I just miss the days when I felt good.
I always feel a bite lost and discouraged , when I’m returning home after a weekend packed with input.  I think I’m a “addicted” to social life and not just being me all the time. I hate coming home although home now feels more like a home.
I’m no “out at home is best”, out is always better then returning home… ALWAYS!

Because off the few laps I managed to do at the DM course saturday, before I gave up (I know stupid, but sometimes you do stupid things.) Trust me I have been beating my self many times since...! 

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18. juni 2012

Clocking in... a new chapter!

So just because the blog has been then just silent, it dosen’t mean that nothing have happen in my life, on the other hand, there has been almost too much.

But all these changes and no time for reflection and writing has been good. To cut to the bone, after ca. 4 years of relationship Jacob and I split. No matter what it’s never easy breaking up with some one, and it takes so much time and energy, even though I was relatively settled with the matter.

Something happen with me in Belgium, I don’t know what… I can’t put a finger on it, but when I returned to my “home” in Denmark, something was changed, and I couldn’t feel at home in what use to be my home. It was very frustrating and I spent a lot of time crying and trying to figure out what had happen.
I think I changed – mentally I grew, got older, more mature but most off all more independent, and I properly need it... There’s nothing like 6 months abroad, which helps you think, which pushes you to get perspective on your life, your dreams and your desires.

These 6 months of “separation” and me really not wanted to go back, was just too much for what we could handled as a couple. There are always two side of a story, and this is my version, and it may not be the entire truth or the correct version, but this is my point of view… There is no-one to blame, but life goes on, and I’m convinced that I took the right decision, the last time I can remember I have been this happy, most have been my time in Belgium. No stress, no stomach pain, no burden on my shoulders, just happiness.  I might have lost a friend or two on facebook, but I’ll manage J

I got my own apartment the 1. of June, and after some trips to IKEA (you gotta start somewhere, I only had one day to pack all my belongings) my apartment now feels like HOME, which is a place I would like to be, and where I feel at home.

The future looks good, at the person, which for a few months ago, never wanted to go back to university is considering her options regarding which one to apply for. Should I stay in Odense, or move to another city… Who knows J but for now I’m training for yet another cyclo cross season, and working full time. I still don’t know how many races and which one I will be able to do this year, but I’ll do my best to get down to Belgium (my second home) and race as many as I can.

All the best

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19. april 2012

I got a plan... at least for now...

I have been wanting to write a something, and I have several times started on a new post, but in some ways I never seemed to be able to set down and get it down on paper. Why I don't know, time has just been flying the last few weeks, which has been so nice. > busy is good.

Life has starting to normalize which I still don't know how to relate to it. A lot of things has changed during the last months and weeks, and I'm still working on getting the whole puzzle into one piece, but I'm getting there. It has taking it's thorn, but I'm slowly starting to figure it out. 

I have had some big dilemmas trying to figure out want to do - how do I want to live my life - want kind of job/education/"career" do I want to pursue. I have always been Nikoline - the bike rider. Ever since I can remember I have been socialised with cycling, and it's okay, but I'm starting to get there, where I kind off just want to be ME!

When I look back I have done some pretty funny stuff, if you can put it that way. I have always done want I desire the most, and I have always had fun doing it. My life so far has been a big mix of training, working (otherwise no money to race for), travelling/exploring new countries and meeting people from all over the world - all this related to my cycling activities. I have been so privileged, and I don't feel that I have missed out on anything, on the other hand I have gained so much in stead. I'm still not ready to leave it all behind, and properly never will be. I simply love riding my bike to much. So far I have had 16 years of racing together with my bike.... 

But I have realized that I in the future want to do something more, I want to be more than I rider. I need to have more or different aspects and contents in my life. After a lot of THINKING during my stay in Belgium and returning to DK my future questions now has answers. For the first time in many years I sent out my first application for a new study out, I didn't get in, but I'll try again next year. I was quite sad when I got the message, because I felt ready for a new chapter in my life... don't know if I make any sense, but it has been hard to find, that one thing I want to do for the rest of the life, (beside riding my bike) I can't afford riding my bike forever... I have been pleased with doing what I really love for many years, and finding a "replacement" for that has been hard, and cost many emotions and tears, but I'm slowly accepting the fact, that I can have just the same amount of fun,enjoyment and achievements elsewhere... and maybe even more...! who knows? I have accepted that my life is running on narrow and winding roads, and no brad highways. I will work hard to improve my skills and then apply again next year, and after some more thinking I will apply one more place as well ;-) 

So now I got a plan, and I'll try to stick to it, but as the impulsive and easy going person I am, I wonder how long it will last... One/A plan or idea is better than nothing. 

A lesson cycling has taught me during the last many years, is the importance off doing something you really love and desires. 

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26. marts 2012

More important things

When reality strikes back, it can hurt! Yesterday I had a aftershock, and once again I found myself wondering/fearing about the future, and what it will bring/contain, and how I should relate or react to it. It's funny because I wasn't feeling sad, and I had spend some great days together with my family and friends, but that was at least what I thought, but sometimes body and mind operates in two completely different ways. 

That combined with 2 good night out, and a tired mind and body, my shield fell down, and I let a good friend in. Not once during the last few days had I thought about it, but apparently unconsciously I had, and my because my mind too busy during something ells my body took it up, and I got tired of saying everything was all right.

But future is future, and now it's written down, I have related it to me, and now it's out of the system. This morning I woke up with a good feeling! I will stick to dreaming about what the future holds, and not worrying so much about it. So now I'm back on positive thinking and back on track with my study test. 

There are more important things in life, than worrying. 

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19. marts 2012

Ready Steady Action GO

Sometimes, or in my case often, there isn't a long complicated path between taking a decision and then bringing it into practise. Therefore Saturday I was at the start line at the "local" mountainbike race in Silkeborg. Don't know if you can call it local with 1200 participates, but fun indeed it was. It was my first "meeting" with my MTB and I finished working on it around 10pm. 
The weather was a bad - really bad, with heavy and on going showers through out the race. It was my first ever marathon race and first ever tour in the MTB, so I didn't know what to expect and have to behave. 

I'm definitely not a long-distance mountain bike rider, in fact I think it was the rainy weather who made it so much fun. It reminded me a bit of cross! I really liked the fact that I could just only focusing on keeping the speed and keeping warm. It was properly my first long ride ever on a MTB, don't know what it says about my normal MTB training effort - once a road'er always a road racer - even though I'm planing on this season to change it! Now the season has begun only 1½ month before the scheduled time. 

As they always say; racing is the best training you can ever get! 

For the moment it's quiet here, spring may finally have arrived - enjoy!
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